Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Confessions of a Salty Mind

Ok, I have a confession to make. I've been needing to get this off my chest for awhile now, and I think it's time.

I am going crazy.

But not why you might think.

You see, I have an addiction. A terrible addiction - yes, it's out there now. I can talk about it. The freedom, the liberation, the blessings that only exposing the problem to the world can bring. For you see....

I am addicted to potato chips.

Oh, the horror! The indignity! I scarce can face myself, much less my loyal readers, and even my Gully Dwarves shun me. The shame has grown too much to bear.

For you see, it's not just one kind of chips - I mean all chips. Barbequed, Wisconsin Cheese, Ruffled, Wavy Lays, Pringles, Bacon&Cheddar, Golden Flake, name brand or store brand, it doesn't matter... Late at night, in the dim light of the television set I grab a bag and munch until my mouth has a little yellowish/orange ring and there are crumbs all over the floor. But it doesn't stop there - oh, no, foolish mortal. Then there's the blessed world of Cheetos. Crispy, Baked, (and when they haven't pulled it from the shelves - curse their souls!!! - the X's and O's....*drool*). Of course, marching tauntingly behind are the Nacho chips: Scoops, Bite Size, Rounds....the mind staggers. Sometimes I'm even been known to smuggle into the house some Funyons, or maybe, on a wild day....a Sun Chip.

However, now comes the rub. They are all gone. I have *sob* --- say it!!! say it!!! --- given up chips for Lent.

*Sigh*.. Ok. Now you know. Since Wednesday night last week, I haven't had a single chip. I've been tempted---oh, my, I've been tempted. The conveniently huge bag of Doritos my wife bought last week, before she knew what I was going to do. Unopened, it sits on the shelf, mocking me.

Mocking me.

I pass a little tray at Kroger's that has Cheese Puffs out for your tantalizingly tasting pleasure. No! Get thee behind me, Satan! Tempt me not with your delectable cheesiness!

The little bags in the snack machine at work. Oh, they taunt me....Trust us! No one will know! There's only two chips in these bags anyway - who will know???. But so far, I have resisted.

Can I hold out until Easter? 6 days down, 34 to go. I don't know -- I just don't know.

There is one small consolation - I have allowed myself popcorn and crackers. A guy can only take so much torture, you know.

However, if you happen to go into a Weigel's or Pilot Food Mart sometime in the next few weeks and say a poor, lonely guy gibbering in the corner while clutching a package of Bugles....smile kindly and pass on by. Nothing to see here....