Tuesday, July 08, 2003

This Just In

Al-Jazeera to Broadcast New Hitler Tape

The al-Jazeera network indicated strongly today that it was preparing to broadcast an audio tape featuring the voice of former German Chancellor and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler. Sources reveal the tape was recorded only weeks ago and delivered to the network in a tank on Saturday. In forceful German, the Feuhrer praised the brave German people, vowing to continue the struggle to defend the Fatherland. He piled curses and accusations on the American infidels and promised to do all in his power to end the destructive conflict facing his people and bring order to the world.

Experts who have analyzed the tape are mixed in their assessment of its authenticity. Voice-print anaylsis would be difficult due to the lack of verifiable recordings made by Hitler since the mid-1940's and the quality of the recording equipment of that time, but the experts believe it's only a matter of time until positive identification is made.

"The vocal inflections, the rhetoric, the accent - all of Hitler's speech characteristics are there on the tape, even the cheering of the crowds in the background are consistent with his oratorical skills, " remarked Hans Panzer, German vocal expert. "In fact, they are very similar in tone and style to the recordings of Hitler speaking to the German people during World War II, down to the "Zieg Heils" from the crowds. I am very convinced this is authentic."

There was no comment on why Jesse Owens was mentioned in one part of the new recording, nor was an explanation given for Hitler's references to the ongoing alliances with Benito Mussolini of Italy and the Emperor of Japan. Italy and Japan have been Western allies for 50 years.

"This new recording should prove once and for all that Hitler is still alive, and did not commit suicide in his bunker in Berlin during the waning days of World War II," Panzer continued. "The struggle against Western oppression continues, and should give great comfort and hope to those opposing US interests in the Middle East."

UPDATE: BREAKING NEWS Sources have revealed the possible presence of a new recording from former French leader Napolean Bonaparte now in the hands of al-Jazeera. More on this story as it develops.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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