Scenes From a Hat

Yes. This. More.

It All Started Thousands of Years Ago...

I meant to post this earlier:

Mayberry's Got Talent

You think Susan Boyle impressed the judges on Britain's Got Talent? Wait'll you see what they found when they went to Mayberry...

Empty Promises

Note written on napkin, sitting on empty table, in our break room:

FREE PILLOW STUFFING

I looked around, nothing there. So of course I wrote, on the same napkin:

? MUST BE FOR AIR MATTRESS

Sometimes work is fun...

Lost Beneath Lake Michigan

Wouldn't it be funny if this were a fake?

The iconic Stonehenge in the UK is one of the most famous prehistoric monuments in the world, but it is not the only stone formation of its kind. Similar stone alignments have been found throughout England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales… and now, it seems, in Lake Michigan.

According to BLDGBLOG, in 2007, Mark Holley, professor of underwater archeology at Northwestern Michigan College, discovered a series of stones arranged in a circle 40 feet below the surface of Lake Michigan. One stone outside the circle seems to have carvings that resemble a mastodon—an elephant-like animal that went extinct about 10,000 years ago.

While an American version of Stonehenge would be very cool, if quite inaccessible for tourists to visit, finding out a bunch of archeology students at the University of Illinois or Northwestern planted their version as a prank or a research project would be great.

Equally possible is that somewhere on the monoliths are carved the numbers, "4 8 15 16 23 42" and "815".

The Top 9 Indications Your Plans for World Domination Are Not Going Well

I just like this:


The Top 9 Indications Your Plans for World Domination Are Not Going Well

9> First step: keep American public distracted with World Cup
Football.

8> Your minions built your secret base in a *live* volcano.

7> Every time you get a great world-domination scheme brewing, a
tattered, beaten future version of you comes through another
dimensional doorway and says "Dude! Don't do it!"

6> You notice that the company printer keeps spitting out
Henchman resumes.

5> No matter what you do, some people still insist on using
Linux.

4> Lengthy conversations with your mother as to whether or not
there will be time to make the rulers of all nations grovel at
your feet AFTER your room is clean.

3> Everybody's laughing at you and apparently not because of your
fiendish Laugh Ray.

2> "Ha! They said it was folly to try to create an army of highly
trained and disciplined housecats, but now we'll show them!
March my feline warriors!! Boots, get back in line! Mr.
Whiskers, where do you think you're going? DAMN!"


and the Number 1 Indication Your Plans for World Domination
Are Not Going Well...


1> The planet you're trying to take over: Earth. Your weakness:
Any exposure to a rare element called "oxygen".


[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.com ]

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TVA power rates going down 6% as 2009 starts

Utility rates will go down about six percent as 2009 begins, Tennessee Valley Authority officials announced Thursday.

The amounts people save on their monthly bills will vary, depending on how much energy they use. However, residential consumers can expect a decrease of about $4.000 to $8.00.

Well, your plaudits and congratulations to me and my family for this rate decrease can start coming in any moment now. It's because of us that TVA has decided to cut back its rates!

That's because our house has been sans heat and heating system for, oh, going on about 3-4 weeks now. The gas heat system's been broken and between getting two different companies to take a look and give us estimates for repair and replacement, we've finally decided to get a whole new system to replace the 18-yr-old dual unit that's been on the house since it was built. And it finally does get replaced tomorrow.

That means no more shivery nights, thank goodness, and no more freezing hands and feet under the covers. I hope.

But anyway, because of our incredibly lower demand for energy this past month - we like it warm - TVA obviously noticed and adjusted its rates.

We'll take tributes in $50's and $100's if you please...

The Impossible Wish

A East Tennessee man was fishing on the shore of Tellico Lake, when he saw bobbing in the water a bottle. Wading out a bit, he snagged the bottle and brought it back to shore.

The bottle was ornate and decorated, and as such bottles do, when the man opened it a big puff of smoke poured out and a genie appeared.

The genie stretched and yawned as the fisherman gaped. Finally the genie said, "Thank you sir for freeing me from a thousand years imprisonment in that bottle. To show my gratitude, I will grant you One Wish."

The man thought for a moment, scratched his head. Finally he said, "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I've always gotten seasick in big boats, and I'm afraid to fly. I wish that you could build me a bridge from right here in this spot to Hawaii - that way I could come and go as I pleased."

The genie frowned and rubbed his beard, pondering. "Well," he mused, "I suppose I could do something like that - but you know the Pacific ocean is a mile deep in spots... I don't think the supports would handle that kind of weight. Not to mention all the hurricanes, typhoons, and tsunamis. Shipping would have to be altered around it, and I can't even guess the effect on marine life all along the bridge. No, I don't think that's at all practical. You'll need to pick something else."

The man sighed and thought again - suddenly a smile lit up his face. "Ok, genie, I've got it. I wish that the University of Tennessee Volunteers would win another national championship!"

The genie stared at the man for a moment, then gazed west. "Let me ask you this. Do you want that bridge one lane or two?"


(Due credit goes to the guest minister at our church for that joke yesterday morning)

Either Or

I'm confused: are they talking about police tickets from red light cameras, or tickets still available for the UT/Wyoming game next week?

Tickets won't go away

Great Spam Scam

I got this in my email today - the latest I've received in the old "Nigerian bank" scam that are so transparent nowadays to be useless. However, they excel now in either creativity or utter mistranslated confusion that I think it should be considered a new internet art form. Here it is (copied directly):

From: Mrs Judith Williams.

Dear Friend,
My name is Mrs Judith Williams am 75yrs old of age, i stay in new york city, USA.I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on investment and coporate business. all the way i lost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in November 5th 2003.
I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest.

later in the year 2004 Febuary i was sent a letter of medical check up,as my personal Doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon.I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of investment cannot be run and manage by me again. I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser.He minister to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future rising. So i am writing this letter to people who really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently.
so that i can make available preparation on that.especially women of
the day, who are divorced by their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town. now am so much with God, am now born again. May you be blessed, as you reach me,please to remind you, dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately.

Best Regards
Mrs Judith Williams

I kinda feel sorry for them that they can't translate well enough into English to even pretend to be real...

In For a Penny...

Here's one of the new penny designs coming out soon:

I don't know about you guys but I think it's about time they honored Lyle Lovett with a coin of his own.

The Only Story Today Where You'll Find the Words, "Volunteers Improve"

Helping hikers' havens: Volunteers improve Appalachian Trail shelters

Fourteen years ago, while hiking the Appalachian Trail in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Mike Crabill and his 12-year-old son stayed at the Double Springs Gap trail shelter. It rained that night, and the shelter was packed with 17 people.

Last week, Crabill returned to the Double Springs Gap shelter, this time as part of a volunteer construction crew that spent 10 days making extensive improvements to the three-sided stone structure built in 1963.

Holes in the Space-Time Continuum

I've got it figured out.

Yesterday, I kept having some odd dizzy spells. I'd turn my head, and about a second later the world would turn to meet me. Needless to say, it was quite disconcerting.

I'd be tempted to blame it on stress, or simply the fact I've had a head cold the last week or so I'm still getting over.

But I have deduced the real reason I was dizzy yesterday - the Swiss particle accelerator/atom smasher/supercollider/doomsday device went online yesterday. And I'm convinced it's altered the fabric of the universe in some way that is causing me to have dizzy spells.

See, yesterday there were three earthquakes - one in Iran that destroyed, like, 200 villages, one in Chile and Indonesia. Today there was another one near Japan. Coincidence? I wonder...

I also have made a startling realization...

Somehow...somehow...this black-hole creating machine somehow opened a rift in the space-time continuum, causing a rip in the reality fabric to happen about a week ago. Across the world in southern California. I'm convinced that that rip allowed the UCLA defenders to jump ahead 1-2 seconds in time, and let them block our punt. Also make all those miraculous catches in the 2nd half by conveniently blinking about 10 steps ahead of our defenders. It caused the ball to disappear out of Arian Foster's hands and reappear on the ground ahead of him. It also moved the ball ahead of Daniel Lincoln's foot on all his missed field goal tries.

So see, it wasn't us - blame the scientists!

When They Say Invisible, They Mean Invisible

More Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes

My inspiration for these is found here: Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes at the great McSweeney's site.

That satire site was also the inspiration for my posts A Final Letter from Brenda to Eddie and Startling New Letter Found.

Here's an excerpt from Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes:

Where Is Everybody?

A man emerges from his office to find the hallways mysteriously devoid of co-workers. He wanders the silent, empty building looking for signs of life but finds no trace of humanity other than coffee brewing, purses slung over chairs, and folders lying open on desks. Suddenly, he remembers a mandatory meeting in the first-floor conference room.

Here are some of my own, based on real TZ episodes...

• "To Serve Man"
  
  A group of tall aliens arrive on the Earth, pledging goodwill and peace to all humanity. A book entitled "To Serve Man" is found, but the words are all in the alien language and assumed to be a guide to how the aliens will assist humanity solve it's problems. By the millions humans are invited to visit the aliens' world, but just as they're all boarding the spacecraft the true meaning of the book is translated - it's a tennis primer! Wimbledon is moved to the alien planet.
  
  
• "It's a Good Life"
  
  Little six-year-old Anthony Fremont has made the entire world disappear with his amazing mental powers - everything but his small home town. The residents are terrified of him and are forced to cater to his every need in order to survive. People that anger Anthony are killed, maimed or "sent to the cornfield". When one of the townspeople gets drunk at a surprise party for Anthony, he pleads with the others to kill the little monster and save them all. Unfortunately at the moment Anthony is about to exact his revenge, the little boy wakes up. It was all a dream! And now he has to come down for breakfast cause it's almost time for school.
  
  
• "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet"
  
  A nervous man who is afraid to fly is plagued by visions of a gremlin on the wing of the airplane. He tries to tell the passengers and flight crew that the creature is intending to crash the plane, but no one believes him. In his panic, he steals a gun and attempts to shoot the creature himself. But then he wakes up. It was all a dream! And now he has to come down for breakfast cause it's almost time for school.
  
  
• "Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up"
  
  A group of bus passengers take refuge in a cafe during a snowstorm. While reports of a UFO sighting are circulating, the bus driver notices that while only six people boarded his bus, seven were present in the cafe. The passengers spend the whole evening in increased paranoia and accusations of one of them being a Martian. After the word comes that the roads are clear, the bus leaves. Much later one of the passengers returns to the cafe and laughs with the soda jerk that the bus driver miscounted after all. There are no Martians and there never were...
  
  
• "The Man In the Bottle"
  
  A man finds a genie in an old bottle and is granted four wishes. After he wastes the first two, he wishes to be the "ruler of a 20th Century foreign land, with no way of being voted out of office". POOF! He's suddenly transformed into the Queen Mother.
  

Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture..

Iranian TV: Pentagon video, audio fake

Iran accused the United States on Wednesday of fabricating video and audio released by the Pentagon showing Iranian boats confronting U.S. warships in the Persian Gulf.

The video from Sunday's incident shows small Iranian boats swarming around U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz. In the recording, a man speaking in heavily accented English threatened, "I am coming to you. ... You will explode after ... minutes."

"The footage released by the U.S. Navy was compiled using file pictures and the audio has been fabricated," an official in Iran's Revolutionary Guards was quoted as saying by the state-run English-language channel Press TV.

Dudes, if you knew anything about America besides the belief we're all a bunch of infidels, you would know we couldn't possibly have fabricated that video.

It's obvious, if Americans were going to fabricate a video of some little speedboats in the water buzzing around, there would've been a John Williams or Hans Zimmer score playing in the background. Tom Hanks would've been there as captain of the American destroyer with Tommy Lee Jones as the crusty old admiral and Will Smith as the wisecracking-slacker-with-a-heart-of-gold lieutenant. They would have seen Christopher Lee in dark make-up as leader of the terrorist cell with Keifer Sutherland playing the crack CIA operative climbing onboard the lead speedboat.

And there would've been a dog - usually a german shepherd or collie somewhere. Plus a monkey. An orangutan. And aliens. Somewhere, hovering nearby, would be an alien ship observing the conflict for future invasion. The Rock would be the President, and Uma Thurman his VP. Mariah Carey and Steve Tyler would sing a rock ballad duet over the end credits....

C'mon, this is America. When we fake a video, we do it right.

The Wise Men beat up the Little Drummer Boy. Who Knew?

The Top 50 Amazing-but-True Holiday Facts for 2007

Some of my favorites:

• Contrary to the rosy picture painted by the song, the little drummer boy was in fact taken behind the manger and beaten by the three wise men for repeatedly making the baby Jesus burst into tears with his loud drumming.
  
  
• Although the popular song, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," is meant to be whimsical, 20-30 people are tragically killed every year in reindeer collisions -- more than half of them elderly women.
  
  
• When Good King Wenceslaus went out, historians have proven that he took with him an ancient form of the current-day treat, cole slaw.
  
  
• Played in reverse, the opening line of "A Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...") eerily predicts John Lennon's untimely demise.

If you know of some others (or just make them up) add them in the comments...

Someone Took a Wrong Turn

This is our jalecat Kitiara again, getting into misadventures way up inside our half-decorated Christmas tree...

Pooch Kick

Man who placed kicked a dog gets light sentence (Knoxville News Sentinel)

A man convicted of kicking a dog like a football and killing it has been sentenced to 30 days in jail.

Chad Crawford had faced up to a year in jail after being found of aggravated animal cruelty in October.

...

The man accused of holding the Yorkshire Terrier for the kick is also facing a trial.

I hate this story. I can't understand how someone can do something as deliberately cruel as this to anything. And I think the sentencing should've been more severe. But as vile and disgusting as both the act and the lack of real punishment are, there's something tremendously funny about that last sentence regarding the guy holding the terrier.

Does this mean there are also charges pending against whoever was the long snapper?

Simpsonize Me!

Frank Murphy did it, so I thought I'd give it a try...



What do you think? Kind of uncanny. Like looking in a mirror. Ok, maybe not so much but it was still fun to do.

Go Simpsonize yourself! I would personally challenge Michael, Tish and anybody else to post their SimpsonSelves on their sites...