Onion'edNationally renowned and critically acclaimed news site The Onion picks up a local story that's been untold for too long.
Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage Proposal Hints
"If we go to war with Iraq today, then we are no better than the Nazis when they invaded Poland in 1939," Ritter said in the University Center auditorium...Words fail me. Interview some Iraqi civilians a few months after the war is over, and compare their stories to Polish civilians in 1940 and see if that's still a true statement.
"The management of this theatre, in cooperation with the Tennessee State Fire Marshall's office, requests that you look around the theatre and familiarize yourself with the locations of all emergency exits. The aisleways in which you entered, and the passageways designated by the illuminated emergency exits signs, visible to you at either the Right (pause, arrow) or Left (pause, other arrow) of the forward section have been checked and are clear exits from the building in the event of an emergency.My friends and I would have great fun reciting along with it, Rocky Horror-style, standing up and pointing left and right with the arrows (one of the film clips had the arrows reversed from the soundtrack), and thanking them out loud for bringing it to our attention.
Thank you for your time and attention."
"A proposal to pay Nebraska's football players cleared a legislative hurdle Tuesday. The Business and Labor Committee voted unanimously to advance the measure for debate before the full Legislature. State Sen. Ernie Chambers' bill would require a stipend be paid to the Cornhuskers' football players if three other states in the Big 12 Conference pass similar laws. Other states in the conference are Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Colorado, Texas and Iowa"In related news: The Alabama Legislature just passed a bill changing yellow and blue to make purple, the Colorado State Senate has sent back to committee a measure required water molecules to add an additional atom of oxygen, and...oh yes, Ohio has just repealed the law of gravity.
"...I am bewildered at the length to which people will go to portray me so negatively.... I will say again that I have never, and would never, harm a child. It sickens me that people have written things that portray me as a child abuser."Michael, Michael, my friend, listen to me. Come here, sit down - this is going to be painful but you need to hear it.
"...The only problem I have with the snow around here are the people who go shopping for bottled water and canned food when we're only getting one day of snow. I had to wait 15 minutes just to buy my daily pack of Marlboros, and it makes me sad to see people wasting money on the fear that they may not be able to drive anywhere for at least 24 hours...."Ahem.
David Allen Garrett Jr.