Kevin, What Are You Doing With That Tape Recorder? Nothing, Mom...(snicker)

'Saddam' Mourns Sons in New Audiotape

"A man purporting to be Saddam Hussein (search) acknowledged the death of his sons in an audiotape broadcast Tuesday on Al-Arabiya television, saying they had been 'martyred for Iraq' and that America will be defeated."

...

"'Even if Saddam Hussein has 100 children other than Uday and Qusay, Saddam Hussein would offer them the same way,' the speaker said on the tape."

Well, I know I refer to myself in the third person all the time. I was just saying to my wife the other day, "You know, dear, Barry would like to mow the yard, but due to the impending demise of thousands of innocent bugs, Barry has decided to stay inside and take a nap..."

"The voice on the tape, which was monitored in Cairo, said it was recorded July 2003, but the exact date was not clear."

The fantastic new state-of-the-art audiotape dating techniques are truly fascinating. I mean, it hasn't been too long since we were only guessing at the year of a recording - now it's down to the month! Amazing...

"There was no immediate verification that the voice on the tape was, in fact, Saddam. But U.S. officials said the voice sounded like the deposed Iraqi leader."

Well, they convinced me. You know, I do a pretty good Kermit the Frog impression - I'll bet I could tape myself and people would think Jim Henson had come back to life.

"The last audio recording attributed to Saddam was broadcast by Al-Arabiya on July 23 and claimed to have been recorded July 20. U.S. intelligence officials said it was probably authentic.

"Sir, we've fully analyzed this tape and have come to the careful conclusion that it's could actually be the real deal".

"Are you sure of your analysis?"

"Yes sir, it's probably authentic."

"Good enough for me!"

"The other recording said Saddam was speaking on July 14 and referred to the new Governing Council of Iraq. U.S. intelligence officials said that recording also was probably authentic and was further evidence that Saddam survived the war."

Wow, this "probably authentic" meme really gets around. That must be the same department that determines whether politicians' tax returns are "probably authentic".

Seriously, though, I think there's some 14-year-old kid with an old Panasonic tape recorder disguising his voice as Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden and mailing tapes to Al-Arabiya television, Al-Jezeera, Al-Delgreco and whoever else will play them. Right now he's sitting eating a bag of Doritos and laughing his head off...